USING THE PAST TO HEAL THE FUTURE

LEARNING ONE OF THE HARDEST LESSONS - 9 YEARS LATER

For those who knew me as a child and teenager, I had it ALL figured out.  I would easily find a way to a professional baseball career.  This confidence was strong.  I knew that I could do it.  This is not a story that ends in the classic "I learned that I was wrong" conclusion.  I still carry that confidence today.  I could have done it had it been what needed to happen in my life.  I've spent far too long looking for comfort and a second chance.  Truth is, I've had my second chance, and I've made it count.  I didn't take a second shot at baseball, because as much as I would have loved it, that's not what was right.  I am writing this for so many reasons, and I think it will be the most meaningful post that you'll ever see from me.

I was the typical Mormon teenager.  I went to church every week, mostly uninterested, but not a bad kid.  I put my head down most of the time because I was tired, but I had a testimony of the gospel and knew that I had great worth in God's eyes.  I was a good student, usually around a 3.5 GPA.  Since I had my future secured as a pro ball player in my mind, there wasn't a whole lot to worry about.  

Taylorsville High School has the best baseball program in the state, and one of the most consistently accomplished teams in the country.  I chose to play in their league when I turned 13, leaving my friends at Granger in the process.  After not being accepted by "the elite" for a whole year, I was finally shown some respect the following two seasons, but still being branded "the kid from Granger."  I had some good years.  I learned a ton about the game, but not much in life for those 3 years.  

Meanwhile, during my 15 year old season, I had to select a high school to attend.  My heart said Taylorsville, because that was my path to baseball opportunities.  Every other aspect, mostly the geography and transportation issues, had me going to Granger, the place I didn't wan to go.  My mother made a disappointing but true assessment, "But Devon, where will your real friends be?"  

Granger High was pretty dull when I started high school.  I did fine in school, joined the baseball team, took crap for leaving these guys for 3 years to play for the enemy.  I had a positive sophomore year, followed by an academically exciting junior year (took 6 science classes and loved them).  

SENIOR YEAR - THE BEST WORST YEAR OF MY LIFE

Senior Year.  It truly was great heading into it, full of steam, full of anticipation.  I had gotten my first 4.0 GPA in the final term of my junior year (which was due to a few teachers giving me some extra points for always participating and being respectful).  I had one of the greatest terrible Senior years in high school history, all of my own doing.

The Good

Academics were now at my mercy!!!  I carried a 4.0 for my entire Senior year.  This is something I'm still very proud of.  I grew spiritually, and not just a little bit.  I was set on serving a mission.  I was disappointed not to be called to the Seminary Council because I thought I was a great example to many, yet humble about it.  

My friends were a HUGE part of my success.  I had been incorporated into the greatest group of peers that a kid could ask for.  We were in the low to mid teens in number, and when we would hang out on the weekends, our parents didn't have to worry what we were up to.  We were respectful, faithful, supportive, loving, and we all knew who we were, and where we came from.  These are still my best friends to this day (with the exception of my beautiful wife who I didn't meet until college).  My friends made me feel welcome, even as the most distant group member.  They were all in Advanced Placement courses together, and I was not.  I played baseball, and they did not.  They were too busy getting their first year of college done in high school, which just so happens is brilliant.  I wanted to be just like them.  They made me want to be better.  I felt such a guilt for what I knew, and they didn't.  

Physically, I lost 45 pounds in the off-season doing aerobics.  I went from 18% body fat to 7%, and I gained muscle in the process.  I got faster, a lot faster.  I was now fulfilling my dream of becoming the big money ball player, and I had a great attitude about life, school, and baseball.  I was nominated by my teammates and coaches to be the team captain, which was a great honor.

The Bad

During my Taylorsville baseball days, I was only about baseball.  In the process of spending all of my free time playing ball (which was never a bad thing for me), I had let my priorities, some of my friends, and my values slip away.  I got into some very dangerous things, and made some terrible choices.  The people I chose to hang out with didn't have the same morals that I grew up learning.  They ended up not being real friends.  They helped me to build this image of somebody who I wasn't, and I took it the distance to the point of me not knowing who I was anymore.  

Among all of the good things that happened in my final year of high school, unbearable guilt filled my soul.  Every time it would sneak up on me, I swore it would go away.  Halfway through the school year, just before baseball season, I was in the thick of it.  Guilt when I woke up, guilt when I left for school, guilt when I got there, and so on and so on until I went to sleep at night.  Truth was, I had a past that featured some things I wasn't proud of, and it didn't sit well.  

One Sunday morning, I was sitting in church when I looked up toward the front of the chapel and saw something.  My future daughter (I strongly believe) was standing there and staring straight at me.  I looked down almost immediately, feeling a great deal of fear and confusion.  I looked up again, and she was gone.  Almost immediately my mind was made; I would be getting my entire past and the guilt associated with it off my chest that very day.  When I got home from church, I told my mother and my bishop about my troublesome past.  I had support from my family right away.

My bishop recommended that I call the police myself to report what I had told him.  This was quite frightening, but I called them and set up an appointment.  I won't forget the name of the man I spoke to, Detective Angell.  He was great, understanding, helpful, and appreciative of my honesty.  

I began the juvenile court process with a hearing.  The judge saw how I was doing in school, and took into account my efforts on a sports team as the captain.  He said that I was doing what I should be doing, and that he appreciated me coming forward to take care of my legal issues.  I was back on the field that evening for baseball practice.  

I guess I didn't understand the juvenile system, because I was soon notified that I had court coming up in a few weeks.  I also found out that my judge had changed, and that I now had a loose cannon as a judge.  This was upsetting.

I played 8 games of my senior season, and put up some very impressive numbers.  I led the team, and I was living up to my own expectations.  I felt needed, important, and accomplished.  Most of all, I was having the time of my life doing what I loved most.  I was setting the stage for my dreams to come true. 

The court date came quicker that it seemed possible, and I was sent to a program to complete my community service hours.  This was a residential facility, and I was only allowed 6 minutes to call my parents each week, a one hour visit from my parents every week, and I could leave for a few hours a week to get counseling.  The biggest dagger in my heart; I was done being a baseball player.

I completed the program that I was ordered to in the shortest amount of time in the history of that specific organization.  I was released on probation 4 days before school ended.  Although I wasn't attending Granger for the final term of the school year, I was able to obtain my diploma as a Granger Lancer, and walk with my class at graduation.  This meant a lot to be back with my friends who had worried about me for months.  

After walking at graduation, I worked full-time outside in the elements moving granite and marble.  The worst part about it was that I hardly got to keep any of my money, most of it went to pay off court fees.  However, I got to see my friends more than I did while I was locked up, so things were improving.  

When the courts were paid off, I left the place that I was working before I swung at my boss, which eventually would have taken place if I had stayed.  

I started college and met my wife.  She and I had a good talk before we ever dated, and we understood each other very well.  We had some similar struggles, and both felt that we were trying to find ourselves.  We fell in love, and we got married after dating for 5 months.  It will be 7 years on St. Patrick's Day 2013!!!

PRESENT DAY

The main reason for me writing this post comes right back to where we started; Baseball.  

Here I am, preparing a lesson for church, late on a Saturday night, and all of a sudden, it clicks; I know how to solve my problem.

Yesterday, my high school baseball coach held an Alumni Dinner for his former players.  Last year, we had an Alumni baseball game, and it was a blast.  It still rips my heart out to have to walk off the field and realize that I could have been more.  Anyway, we got to tour the new Granger High that is being built, and it is phenomenal.  State of the Art EVERYTHING has been put into this new facility, and it is HUGE.  The technological capabilities blow me away!!!  Yet, it is bitter sweet.  That old building that has gained lots and lots of meaning to me since I walked into it my first day of 10th grade with sadness.  I was realizing just how lucky these kids are, which was accompanied by myself, and many others, proclaiming, "Why can't I be starting high school now?"  Through the envy, I see the flaw.  I am ungrateful.  I am selfish.  Though I am thrilled for the kids who get to have this amazing place to go every day and be with friends, I wouldn't trade what I had, and what I learned from it.

After the tour of the new school, we went to the cafeteria of the old school for the dinner.  I noticed some of the other guys grabbing some old jerseys off of a table as a way to remember the playing days.  I saw one still sitting there.  I stayed in my seat for a while, and then curiosity got the best of me.  Could that be my old jersey?  I got up and immediately saw my number on the back of that jersey.  It was surreal to pick it up.  So many memories running through my head.  I played my last meaningful baseball game 9 years ago in this jersey.  This is when I realized some more hard facts; I was so good at baseball that I forgot to be a good Priesthood holder.  I cared so much about baseball that at certain times, I didn't care about my morals.  I was so caught up in this game that I would have been alright with giving up important things in life just to keep playing.

And therein lies the most important lesson:

o        If I was as good at being faithful to my God, who has given me everything, as I was at baseball, I'd feel pretty good about myself.  If I cared as much about others as I did about baseball when I was young, I would feel more worthy to meet God.  

The fact is, I am very happy with how things turned out, especially considering how much of an impact losing that game tore my soul to pieces (or so I thought).  I have an amazing wife who loves and supports me more than I ever thought possible.  I have a 3 year old son who I love unconditionally, and he loves sports as much as I do.  I have a supportive system of family and friends who would answer my call in the middle of the night if I just needed to talk (but my wife gets to hear all of my bellyaching instead).  

I love my Heavenly Father.  I love his son, and my savior, Jesus Christ.  I will serve them.  I am so happy for the kids who get to go to a new school that has everything that I wished I had, but I'll take the best lessons with me from that old, beat up school.  I have the mercy of a God that will forgive if the sinner repents with the right reasons, and with sincerity.  I have been blessed with luxuries that millions will never know, and I think we all forget this too quickly.  I am a sinner, and God still loves me, and will never give up on me.  I know that Christ lives, and loves us with a perfect love that we will never know on this Earth until he returns.

Thank you to all of you who have helped me to be who I am.  

Don't get me wrong, I miss baseball to this day, and it still sucks to walk off of a field, but I realize that it is not my rightful path, and I still have not moved on.  I think it's time.  It has done so much for me that I'm grateful for.  I owe most of my confidence as a person to a game.  

Til' next time

Devon Smith

 

HAVE YOU EVER LOOKED IN THE BACK OF THE BOOK FOR ANSWERS? 

SOMETIMES YOU CAN'T......

As an intro, I'm going to bring up those ever painful memories of doing homework.  Oh, boy. Wasn't it great when we could find answers to every odd numbered question in the back of the book?  Torture being made easier gave us hope, which was probably false hope, but still, some hope to hold on to. 

Everybody has times in their life when the answers would be awesome to have, but even if they were available, they were written in code. 

Without fail, something you can do to bring on such trials is to do what I've done far too many times to make sense of it; Pray for patience.  Why would one want to do this?  Something about becoming a better person is the only common theme that I can remember when making this choice.  Once it's done, there is no going back, you just have to take whatever comes. 

Recently, I once again asked for Heavenly Father to teach me to have more patience. It's like he sits in heaven waiting for us to ask, because these prayers seem to be answered faster than any other prayer.  This time its really got me grasping at straws.  I've really done myself in.  Now I want to take back that prayer, but even if I could, I obviously needed to work on myself, so I wouldn't take it back anyway.

And so it goes. As an answer to my prayer, I find myself in a situation that I've never been in before.  I have no idea what formula to follow, no idea of what the final outcome will be, and no clue of what the lesson to be learned will provide.  Oddly enough, I do know how to show my work while solving these problems, which ought to make my old teachers happy for me. 

The worst part of it right now is that I'm slowly finding out that many of the issues that I now face are my own fault.  What's up with that?  It's like I'm being told to turn the other cheek multiple times, but if that's what I'm supposed to do, then I'll keep doing it.  I have already hit rock bottom.  I have had thoughts and feelings that were unknown to me previously, and almost done some very stupid things.  Prayer and support have been vital to my overall health and strength. 

THIS IS WHERE THE HEAVY METAL COMES IN....

Tim Lambesis (As I Lay Dying), one of my heroes, gave us some insight.  "It seems our problems solve themselves, when we look beyond us, to those truly in hell."  I've tried to incorporate this thought, and it helps.  Even though this is probably the toughest trial overall that I've had the pleasure of having, doing things for others seems to ease the pain.  Doing work in the LDS temples is probably the most spiritual way to serve others.  Simply doing the extra kind thing for my family is doing a lot for me as well.  It's not so hard to do the latter, because I love them unconditionally.  If they happen to read this, I hope they hear it and know it once again. 

Sometimes we resemble a heavy metal ballad, even without knowing that we do.  We (usually our intentions) can be misunderstood, like the music that I listen to.  The words are not always heard clearly until we've heard them many times in repetition.  There is a lot of noise that is making it even harder to focus on the message.  In our lives, we have to repeat ourselves a lot when trying to convey feelings to others, and there are many distractions.  Just like a song, each person will take what is being said differently. 

There is a song by Born Of Osiris called "Singularity."  It is an extremely heavy, loud, and chaotic sounding song.  At the same time, I hear more passion in that song than so many others that I've heard.  With somebody that is not talented in the art of metal-listening, they would probably get a headache and not feel positive after hearing it.  Does that mean that the person who wrote it is unsuccessful as a musician?  That depends on their reason for writing it.  If it was written for themselves (which in this case is apparent to me), then they succeeded quite well. 

THE LESSON....

As long as we are doing what we know we should be doing, we are showing our work.  Even if we don't know the formula, the answer, or our learning objective, we will gain much.  Keeping the commandments, praying, going to the temple to do work for the dead, and shifting focus away from myself are the ways that I'm dealing with my trial.  Will it work out for me in the end?  I don't know that right now, but I'll do my best to show my work, that way when it's all said and done, I'll be able to learn whatever I needed to. 

If only I had the strength (musically or spiritually) of the band For Today, I'd be better off.  The lyrics to a song on their new album, Immortal, are encouraging and instructional:

For Today - Fearless

"We will not
We will not
We will not be afraid
WE ARE FEARLESS!!!!.....

I can feel the courage rising in the hearts of the sons of God,
I can feel a fire burning, across the Earth we stand as one.

Though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
We will fear no evil, for we know that you are near.

We will not
We will not
We will not be afraid
WE ARE FEARLESS!!!!
SO LET THE DEVIL COME"

I guess that is why I prayed for patience. So that I can have that kind of strength.  I hope it works, but for now, it's kicking my butt :(

Tender Picture For Tender Subjects

Recent events in my life have inspired some deep thinking. I've really been evaluating a lot of things concerning life choices and religous beliefs. I am very happy to be a mormon, and very happy to have a family that believes in the same things that I do. I feel for those who have made religious choices that family members or friends did not approve of or support. I guess this is one of the large blessings in my life that I have overlooked.

Some of these feelings have stemmed from the death of my grandfather. He worked hard to support his family, he stood by the values and standards of the LDS church, and was proud to be a mormon. He was happiest when he was around his family, especially his grandchildren. I want to be like my grandpa, and my dad reminds me of him more and more as time passes.

Some of the other events have been less impactful. Mostly just everyday things like seeing someone treat others with disrespect or anger, or trying to figure out why people steal, and other things of that sort. Everybody does things that they will regret later on, but it's more of the kind of behavior that you would expect someone to feel guilty about. People who make a habit of stealing probably don't see it as a big deal after they've been doing it for a while.

To get to the point I'm trying to make, a lot of the things we do depends on what we are doing RIGHT NOW!!!! I've seen this many times in life. Just like the scriptures say, we need to choose this day whom we will serve. No man can serve two masters. I've always liked this. People think that the scriptures are so confusing, but what I love about them is the simplicity. We either choose to serve the Lord, or we choose to serve Satan.

The reference to Heavy Metal that I would like to make is that a lot of songs that I listen to preach this very principle, and are a helpful and constant reminder to me that I have an obligation and responsibility to serve the Lord, Jesus Christ, with all my might, mind, and strength. It is of the utmost importance for me to do this RIGHT NOW for the following reasons:

0 I have a family, and I need to set the example
0 The second coming of the Lord is going to happen soon
0 The righteous will become more righteous, and the wicked will become more wicked
0 I want to serve the Lord, and only Him

In the music I listen to, which has primarily been Christian Heavy Metal (a growing genre of metal), I find my strength and inspiration to live in such a way. For example:

Killswitch Engage - "A Light in a Darkened World"

"I see so much corruption
And it's hard to ignore
Living on greed and possessions
Is this what we're dying for?

Now choose this day
Who you will serve
To be the light in a darkened world

Many are willing to only live for themselves
Turning away from morality
Nothing can save you now

Now choose this day
Who you will serve
To be the light in a darkened world
You feel dissolved and the water's beginning to rise
Become the light in this darkened world"

Touching upon my grandfather's death once again, I had an opportunity with my dad, brother, and uncle to dress my grandpa in preparation for his funeral and burial. I didn't really know how to prepare for this, or what to expect. For the first few minutes, it was very surreal. I walked into the room thinking that my grandpa was lying there, but after a while i could feel that something was missing. With our mortal eyes, we can only see a person's body, but without their spirit inside, it is just a body. The body is here for the purpose of housing the spirit. I kept expecting my grandpa to breathe or speak, but of course he wasn't. It finally started to sink in that he wasn't there. My brother and dad were very comforting and understanding when I got emotional.

This reminds me of another song by one of my favorite Christian Metal bands, August Burns Red. They use the lyric, "Blinded by the inability to see beyond flesh and blood." I like this because it shows us that by only thinking in terms of this life, we miss out on the big picture. There is also an As I Lay Dying song called "Upside Down Kingdom" that argues that this world teaches us to live it up (eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die), and that the only consequence is regret for the things that we didn't do or try. We are taught by the philosophies of men that we're here until we die, and that's it.

I take comfort in knowing that my grandpa is with his wife after 7 years of missing her, and he is with his son that only lived for a little more than a week on this earth. We need to keep in mind that this life is like a flash compared to eternity, and that we made a choice to come to earth and live by God's commandments. I know that I want to prove to Him that I am worthy for the happiness and blessings that he wants to give to me. I am the only one who can decide if I will carry out the duties that will be given to me for this purpose. I will be the only one to blame if I am not worthy.

Metal ruined my life!!!!

I absolutely HATE heavy metal. It has clawed its way to my soul, ripped it out, and beat down upon it with hatred and evil. I wish the guitar was never invented. The damage it has done will never be undone. It isn't even that catchy, when you think about it. How can loud guitars and drums mixed with screaming be called music? That's so stupid, and a waste of anybody's precious time.

Furthermore, I hope nobody ever reads my blog........FALSE :)

I love heavy metal. I am very sad sometimes that some of the above jabber is automatically placed on my favorite form of music before people have given it a chance. I understand that a lot of people hate it, just like a lot of people hate rap, or country.

Venting ---- Complete

Go find some music to bang that head to!!!

Post Life.....Life Post

Life. It's been on my mind. The twists and turns that lead us to unexpected places. The people we happen to meet when it seems to be just the right time. The trying times in which it seems nothing good happens for a small eternity. The highs that we ride when we are proud of something we've accomplished. Somewhere in the middle of all of these feelings and experiences, we will occasionally stop and realize...."I am the one holding myself back."

We probably can't count on a thousand hands the times when we realize that the reason that things don't always go how we want them to go is because we have stepped in our own way. I have ruined so many opportunities, failed so many of life's little lessons, and royally screwed up things that may have been great....but as long as I learn something, I have progressed. For a while, I will be able to stand on my own feet, my own convictions, and maybe help a soul or two along the way. Then, before I know it, I am back to the start. (The inventors of the game of life should have had a "go back to the start" space on the board. Heck, for that matter, multiple spaces of the sort.)

Once in a while, when I am having a hard time trusting my Heavenly Father's plan, he will send someone to kindly scold me for my slothfulness. The person who has had the largest and greatest impact on me is my wife. I couldn't pray for a more perfect creation to help me through this life, or the next. On top of this great blessing of support, I have been blessed with friends that understand some things about life that I really need to work on. I recently had such a friend help me immensely. I am proud to call Joseph Mcmanama my good friend. He helped me better understand what sacrifice really means, and how it is often misconstrued. I would like to expand on this topic.

SACRIFICE - Many of us are very confused about sacrifice. Sacrifice seems to be offering up something of great value for something of a lesser value. The example that Joe gave was that he got home from his mission, and he COULD have said "I sacrificed for two years...I am going to rip of my shirt and tie, and do what I want to do." He later explained that Sacrifice is very different. If we sacrifice drinking coffee or smoking, our health will be better. (That's not a small reward, that is much greater.) Or, we sacrifice something that hinders our salvation....we can recieive eternal life as a result...not a small reward.

The things that I have given up in my life have been extremely difficult to overcome. These were opportunities for me to step back and realize just how much damage my actions affected EVERYONE IN MY LIFE. Obviously, when we are dealing with a serious sin, and we rightfully own up to it, repent, and forsake the sin, we will learn and grow immensely. We are progressing at a rate that is alarming to Satan, and this stirs up the forces of evil against us. Before we know it, we have found another way to transgress Heavenly Father's commandments.

We have to work extremely hard not to be "the natural man" as the scriptures portray. The natural man is impulsive, lustful, and seeks physical needs over emotional and spiritual needs. We all struggle in some way with desires. We need the support of Family, Friends, and the Savior. We CANNOT make it through this life without the love and help of Jesus Christ. Only through him is it possible to live with him after this life. I only hope and pray that I am ready when it is my time.

You may be thinking, "Wow!!! Devon hasn't brought up heavy metal in this post!!! He is starting to learn!!!" I'm going to spoil it for you now :)

The music I listen to reminds me that no matter who I was before, I have the strength to move forward without those tendencies, whithout those distractions, without thoughtless actions, etc...

My Friends have helped me immensely, especially my senior year of high school when I needed help the most. There is strength in numbers. But what we do when we are alone defines who we really are. When I'm alone, and blasting my loud, yet religious music, I'm thinking about what I need to do to be a better person, to progress, and to rise above temptation.

Sometimes when I feel like I'm no good, I remember the words of Coach Larry Gelwix of the Highland Rugby team, "God doesn't make a no-good anything." Coach Gelwix is so right. Stay strong my friends.