HAVE YOU EVER LOOKED IN THE BACK OF THE BOOK FOR ANSWERS? 

SOMETIMES YOU CAN'T......

As an intro, I'm going to bring up those ever painful memories of doing homework.  Oh, boy. Wasn't it great when we could find answers to every odd numbered question in the back of the book?  Torture being made easier gave us hope, which was probably false hope, but still, some hope to hold on to. 

Everybody has times in their life when the answers would be awesome to have, but even if they were available, they were written in code. 

Without fail, something you can do to bring on such trials is to do what I've done far too many times to make sense of it; Pray for patience.  Why would one want to do this?  Something about becoming a better person is the only common theme that I can remember when making this choice.  Once it's done, there is no going back, you just have to take whatever comes. 

Recently, I once again asked for Heavenly Father to teach me to have more patience. It's like he sits in heaven waiting for us to ask, because these prayers seem to be answered faster than any other prayer.  This time its really got me grasping at straws.  I've really done myself in.  Now I want to take back that prayer, but even if I could, I obviously needed to work on myself, so I wouldn't take it back anyway.

And so it goes. As an answer to my prayer, I find myself in a situation that I've never been in before.  I have no idea what formula to follow, no idea of what the final outcome will be, and no clue of what the lesson to be learned will provide.  Oddly enough, I do know how to show my work while solving these problems, which ought to make my old teachers happy for me. 

The worst part of it right now is that I'm slowly finding out that many of the issues that I now face are my own fault.  What's up with that?  It's like I'm being told to turn the other cheek multiple times, but if that's what I'm supposed to do, then I'll keep doing it.  I have already hit rock bottom.  I have had thoughts and feelings that were unknown to me previously, and almost done some very stupid things.  Prayer and support have been vital to my overall health and strength. 

THIS IS WHERE THE HEAVY METAL COMES IN....

Tim Lambesis (As I Lay Dying), one of my heroes, gave us some insight.  "It seems our problems solve themselves, when we look beyond us, to those truly in hell."  I've tried to incorporate this thought, and it helps.  Even though this is probably the toughest trial overall that I've had the pleasure of having, doing things for others seems to ease the pain.  Doing work in the LDS temples is probably the most spiritual way to serve others.  Simply doing the extra kind thing for my family is doing a lot for me as well.  It's not so hard to do the latter, because I love them unconditionally.  If they happen to read this, I hope they hear it and know it once again. 

Sometimes we resemble a heavy metal ballad, even without knowing that we do.  We (usually our intentions) can be misunderstood, like the music that I listen to.  The words are not always heard clearly until we've heard them many times in repetition.  There is a lot of noise that is making it even harder to focus on the message.  In our lives, we have to repeat ourselves a lot when trying to convey feelings to others, and there are many distractions.  Just like a song, each person will take what is being said differently. 

There is a song by Born Of Osiris called "Singularity."  It is an extremely heavy, loud, and chaotic sounding song.  At the same time, I hear more passion in that song than so many others that I've heard.  With somebody that is not talented in the art of metal-listening, they would probably get a headache and not feel positive after hearing it.  Does that mean that the person who wrote it is unsuccessful as a musician?  That depends on their reason for writing it.  If it was written for themselves (which in this case is apparent to me), then they succeeded quite well. 

THE LESSON....

As long as we are doing what we know we should be doing, we are showing our work.  Even if we don't know the formula, the answer, or our learning objective, we will gain much.  Keeping the commandments, praying, going to the temple to do work for the dead, and shifting focus away from myself are the ways that I'm dealing with my trial.  Will it work out for me in the end?  I don't know that right now, but I'll do my best to show my work, that way when it's all said and done, I'll be able to learn whatever I needed to. 

If only I had the strength (musically or spiritually) of the band For Today, I'd be better off.  The lyrics to a song on their new album, Immortal, are encouraging and instructional:

For Today - Fearless

"We will not
We will not
We will not be afraid
WE ARE FEARLESS!!!!.....

I can feel the courage rising in the hearts of the sons of God,
I can feel a fire burning, across the Earth we stand as one.

Though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
We will fear no evil, for we know that you are near.

We will not
We will not
We will not be afraid
WE ARE FEARLESS!!!!
SO LET THE DEVIL COME"

I guess that is why I prayed for patience. So that I can have that kind of strength.  I hope it works, but for now, it's kicking my butt :(

Tender Picture For Tender Subjects

Recent events in my life have inspired some deep thinking. I've really been evaluating a lot of things concerning life choices and religous beliefs. I am very happy to be a mormon, and very happy to have a family that believes in the same things that I do. I feel for those who have made religious choices that family members or friends did not approve of or support. I guess this is one of the large blessings in my life that I have overlooked.

Some of these feelings have stemmed from the death of my grandfather. He worked hard to support his family, he stood by the values and standards of the LDS church, and was proud to be a mormon. He was happiest when he was around his family, especially his grandchildren. I want to be like my grandpa, and my dad reminds me of him more and more as time passes.

Some of the other events have been less impactful. Mostly just everyday things like seeing someone treat others with disrespect or anger, or trying to figure out why people steal, and other things of that sort. Everybody does things that they will regret later on, but it's more of the kind of behavior that you would expect someone to feel guilty about. People who make a habit of stealing probably don't see it as a big deal after they've been doing it for a while.

To get to the point I'm trying to make, a lot of the things we do depends on what we are doing RIGHT NOW!!!! I've seen this many times in life. Just like the scriptures say, we need to choose this day whom we will serve. No man can serve two masters. I've always liked this. People think that the scriptures are so confusing, but what I love about them is the simplicity. We either choose to serve the Lord, or we choose to serve Satan.

The reference to Heavy Metal that I would like to make is that a lot of songs that I listen to preach this very principle, and are a helpful and constant reminder to me that I have an obligation and responsibility to serve the Lord, Jesus Christ, with all my might, mind, and strength. It is of the utmost importance for me to do this RIGHT NOW for the following reasons:

0 I have a family, and I need to set the example
0 The second coming of the Lord is going to happen soon
0 The righteous will become more righteous, and the wicked will become more wicked
0 I want to serve the Lord, and only Him

In the music I listen to, which has primarily been Christian Heavy Metal (a growing genre of metal), I find my strength and inspiration to live in such a way. For example:

Killswitch Engage - "A Light in a Darkened World"

"I see so much corruption
And it's hard to ignore
Living on greed and possessions
Is this what we're dying for?

Now choose this day
Who you will serve
To be the light in a darkened world

Many are willing to only live for themselves
Turning away from morality
Nothing can save you now

Now choose this day
Who you will serve
To be the light in a darkened world
You feel dissolved and the water's beginning to rise
Become the light in this darkened world"

Touching upon my grandfather's death once again, I had an opportunity with my dad, brother, and uncle to dress my grandpa in preparation for his funeral and burial. I didn't really know how to prepare for this, or what to expect. For the first few minutes, it was very surreal. I walked into the room thinking that my grandpa was lying there, but after a while i could feel that something was missing. With our mortal eyes, we can only see a person's body, but without their spirit inside, it is just a body. The body is here for the purpose of housing the spirit. I kept expecting my grandpa to breathe or speak, but of course he wasn't. It finally started to sink in that he wasn't there. My brother and dad were very comforting and understanding when I got emotional.

This reminds me of another song by one of my favorite Christian Metal bands, August Burns Red. They use the lyric, "Blinded by the inability to see beyond flesh and blood." I like this because it shows us that by only thinking in terms of this life, we miss out on the big picture. There is also an As I Lay Dying song called "Upside Down Kingdom" that argues that this world teaches us to live it up (eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die), and that the only consequence is regret for the things that we didn't do or try. We are taught by the philosophies of men that we're here until we die, and that's it.

I take comfort in knowing that my grandpa is with his wife after 7 years of missing her, and he is with his son that only lived for a little more than a week on this earth. We need to keep in mind that this life is like a flash compared to eternity, and that we made a choice to come to earth and live by God's commandments. I know that I want to prove to Him that I am worthy for the happiness and blessings that he wants to give to me. I am the only one who can decide if I will carry out the duties that will be given to me for this purpose. I will be the only one to blame if I am not worthy.

Oh, Great!! Devon is STILL reviewing metal albums...What a loser!

If you don't like it, too bad. It's what I do. You're going to have to suffer through it, because deep down, you know you want to.

You'd think that at 2 in the morning, I might have better things to do. Something about me that will never change is that when I really get something in my head, the only way to let it go is to share it with others (poor Malorie is usually my victim).

Now, I don't review/share these albums with you just for kicks and giggles. I seriously hope that someday one of you tries with an open mind to listen to some of this stuff and feels the connection that I do. I realize that some of my older readers (Mom, Grandma) are probably not about to stop listening to Billy Joel or Mormon Tab, but as for the rest of you, what do you have to lose?

As I lay Dying...I must admit...has overtaken TriViuM's spot as #1 on my list of favorite metal bands. Are you happy now (Brett & Tyson)??????????

An Ocean Between Us has officially knocked my socks off. Again, it's ironic because I first listened to this album a week after it's release in 2007, but only recently think it's freakin' awesome. How a band can be brutally heavy, musically smooth, and extremely religious is beyond me. Amazing record!!!

As always, some incredibly inspiring lyrics are apparent. That is not even half of the equation. The music is....there's no word...........bowel-shakingly stupendous. The lyrics speak for themselves (pun was intended, laugh). I want to break this album down track by track. It's more of a concept album than most people will realize:

Track 1 - Separation - We begin with this cool little intro. Clean and relaxing guitars ease us into the second track.

Track 2 - Nothing Left - With a Halloween type melody, the drums take over into a breathtaking double bass. Tim sounds very angry, and with good reason. The lyrics make me think of just how much we take for granted the gifts of God. This album is partially about the end of the world.

"If All my sorrow has led me here
Then I would cry all of my tears
To have this chance again
And know there's more than this
And know there's more than you."
Makes me think of repentance and second chances. Wonderful!!!

Track 3 - An Ocean Between Us - With very similar music, Tim screams about how we can't afford to wait for everything/everyone to appease us. We need to be our own person, our own master, and go out there and be what we know we should. I couldn't agree more. We have to earn things. We are not entitled.

Track 4 - Within Destruction - This song doesn't really follow the theme of the album in my opinion, but it rocks my world!! Give it a listen, if you can stand the brutality of metal. Cool lyrics.

Track 5 - Forsaken - Fun little guitar intro to this little number. Be patient, it's a little repetetive for about 55 seconds, then this one hits you with an open fist (is that possible? Yes. Yes it is). I think this song is about relizing that we occasionally leave someone behind, finally realize it, and then feel penitent. I know that there are a few people that I have somewhat abondoned/let down. I definitely understand the feelings found in this song.

"I know you are the one we left behind
Yet somehow we are the ones who are alone
you are the one we left behind
you are the one we left be...

I will no longer turn my head
I will never forget you
You are the one we left behind
You are the forsaken."

Track 6 - Comfort Betrays - Someone obviously pissed of Tim Lambesis. I remember him saying something about his former bass player. Maybe it's about him.

Track 7 - I Never Wanted - This song didn't mean much to me, and was kind of boring, UNTIL I READ THE LYRICS. This song is not only unique musically, but the message is one of overcoming things that once consumed us. For many, it's drugs. For many, it's pornography, for almost all, it's pride. This song is very meaningful to me.

Track 8 - Bury Us All - This song is about seizing the day and not suffering the consequences in the last days due to slothfulness. It's not worth waiting until we die and lose out on the blessings of heaven.

Track 9 - The Sound Of Truth - My personal favorite, both conceptually and musically. This song really calls people out in some ways. Here are the lyrics.

"We have all heard what we wanted to hear
"Truth" that sounds right to our ears

But what wisdom is there within us
To live based on the feeling of our hearts
How many times has instinct let us down
Never to be thought through
Never to be questioned
Say what you really mean
When your ambition calls you
For what use is there in praying
If you will only hear what you want to hear?

We speak of fighting to resist this world
But what about the battle within us?
If we have chosen to live against the grain
Then why are we all facing the same way?There is no difference between us and them
If we all blindly seek truth from sentiments."

Track 10 - Departed - A cool instrumental interlude. Me gusta le mucho!!

Track 11 - Wrath Upon Ourselves - Once you get past the first 20 seconds, it's pure musical genious. POWERFUL on so many levels. The music on this one takes me on a roller coaster ride. I LOVE IT! Off-beats galore. The drummer kills it on this song, especially when it's only the drums and Tim singing.

"But is regret only a word that the living possess?
I long to see their faces
Regardless of the decay
For in the eyes of the deceased...

We would see hope in our last day
Inside this dying world
For there is still beauty
Inside this dying world."
WOW..........

Track 12 - This Is Who We Are - Bringing it home with authority. "I'd rather be called weak than die thinking I was strong." Takes my breath away. This song gleams of As I Lay Dying's humility. I love these lines:

"Now this is who we are
I am no one's hero
For we are not the giant men
That some may think
You are faithful when we are not
So I'd like to tell this story
The way it is meant to be
Without the burden that's in our hearts
None of us would have ever found You
For You are faithful when we are not
You began a work
That only you can complete."

Mind blowing humility. This is why I listen to CHRISTIAN metal and not Death metal. There are messages that I can't let myself forget. GOOD messages.

Tell me you're not impressed with these long-haired, tattooed, gritty rock stars. They do know a lot of valuable things, and they share it with a lost generation. My appreciation is great. Thank you As I Lay Dying.

The Powerless Rise.....VERY POWERFUL

A few months ago, Tim Lambesis and As I Lay Dying dropped a complete masterpiece on their fans (including myself) with their long awaited album, "The Powerless Rise." Upon hearing this album, some crazy thoughts started running through my head:

"Holy Stinkin' Crap!!!!"
"Could it be possible that AILD is better than TriViuM?"
"If I was a single female, what would I do to marry Tim Lambesis?"
"Most powerful album ever?"

To answer the last question, I believe that it possibly could be THAT powerful.

Recently I was reading Tim Lambesis' blog, and I noticed that what he thinks about and blogs about mirror what is found in his music. Tim writes from his heart, which is more than I can say about a lot of other artists. Let me clarify, I am NOT saying that other artists don't write from the heart, I just feel that Tim has guts and believes in what he is writing. In an industry that often sees higher sales in extreme music plagued with vulgarity, Tim Lambesis has made a serious statement by writing very insightful, spiritual, and religious lyrics to present to his heavy metal followers. It should not surprise you to hear that Tim is my hero.

I will admit, I had listened to AILD's older albums years ago, but because of the changes in lifestyle and views, I now respect and appreciate their music much, much more than I did previously. I'm so glad that my buddy, Tyson, offered to buy me a ticket to their show a few months ago, because that is what sparked my appreciation and awareness of the moral message that they share as a metalcore band.

You must read the following lyrics as they are incredible:


From "Beyond Our Suffering"
"The more I focus on myself, then the more helpless that I become.
So why not erase this point of view? My suffering is trivial." (Sometimes we are the cause of our own suffering, aren't we?)
"Why won't we look beyond us? Why won't we look beyond our despair?
It seems our problems solve themselves, when we look to those truly in hell." (Not easy, but true. Plus, what kind of awesome metal head writes that?"

From "Parallels"
"We are all comatose. We are overfed and undernourished, yearning for something more. Never starving yet never quite satisfied. Carnal but without useful flesh or mind." (We may know there is purpose, but may not fully understand all the time)
"From all it is we crave, there must be more to life than to simply stay alive." (Again, sometimes the purpose isn't clear, but at least we know it's there)

From "The Plague"
"Familiarity is the great deception, disguised by authority, sealing out subversion. Whitewashed tombs have hidden the truth, for we unknowingly worship icons of ordinary life. Reach out your hand to find forgiveness, only to be plagued by disease. The horrors of beliefs and customs, camouflaged by commonality." (The more we sin, the more we are ok with it, and the more dangerous it will become. Experience has deifinitely taught me well. Peer pressure can make matters even more difficult)

From "Anger and Apathy"
"Many of us have turned off the light outside, erasing what exists beyond our front door. And for you I find it harder to reach common ground than my most glaring opposition. But what about those who've lost the luxury of choice?
...striving for identity, buried by our lack of interest, souls marked as mere history. How much grievance will it take to awaken us?" (Those who we forget will not feel that we are there to help them when they need it. DO NOT GIVE UP ON ANY OF HEAVENLY FATHER'S CREATIONS, THEY ARE ALL WORTH THE SAME!)
"I need to know that feelings of discontent are stronger than indifference for those too weak to stand." (Feeling sad is better than not feeling at all)

From "Upside Down Kingdom" (My favorite song)
"Many choose to find their hope in the thoughts of afterlife, when there is none to be found right here before we die. So I understand the feeling of helplessness, when we are just taught to wait here...wait here for death." (We aren't here simply to live)
"We are not forgotten, for a kingdom is offered beyond that of golden streets.
We can represent now what will one day be complete. Simplicity is not a curse where strength is humbled and the powerless rise.
This is a kingdom born upside-down.
This is a kingdom where the broken are crowned." (There is a reward for standing for our convictions. Although we see unrighteous people standing on pedastals, our good deeds are not ignored)

It is my hope and prayer that you have all read these lyrics, and that they are not just words. I do this hoping to help someone. My music is what shows me principles through a different set of eyes. After hearing things the same way over and over for a lifetime, sometimes it helps us to think about things from a different perspective.

Thanks for your time, I hope you don't feel like you wasted it. The Powerless Rise is really powerful to me.

Feeling Worthless? Are You Appreciated?

Well, simply put, all of your efforts are appreciated....even if nobody is giving you recognition. Lately I have been feeling that I don't get enough recognition for the things I do, whether it be at work, home, or on a golf course. Let's take work for example; I work hard, I do my job, I am always on time, and I have a good attitude. But am I appreciated? Sometimes it doesn't feel like it. Sometimes it feels like people only see the negative things that I do. Mistakes may be small, but they sometimes make me feel like I have failed everyone around me and that people will only see the negative result.

Sound familiar? That little voice in your head probably just told you that you feel the same.

Inspiration hit me about 2 weeks ago. I was sitting in my car on my lunch break, listening to some Metal (duh!), and Tim Lambesis screamed something very inspiring and positive; "We are not forgotten, for a kingdom is offered beyond that of golden streets. We can represent now what will one day be complete."

Just like August Burns Red tried to teach me to look beyond this silly world, As I Lay Dying is telling me to think about where I want to be, not where I am. The only way to live with my Heavenly Father again is to live now as if I were in his presence.

I don't know if you watch The Office, but there is an episode where Kelly and Jim are catching up after not seeing each other for quite a while, and Jim asks Kelly "what's new?" Kelly then proceeds to tell Jim that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes has a baby, and how awesome that is. Then she tells him that Brill Pimm (Brad Pitt) and Angelina Jolie had a baby, and how awesome that is. Then Jim Asks, "Yeah, but what's new with YOU?" Kelly says,"I just told you.".........I realized at this point that I have known people like Kelly; caught up in the lives of others. There are some who could tell you more about celebrities, whose lives are always in the spotlight, than they could say about their friends.

"Simplicity is not a curse, where strength is humbled and the powerless rise. This is a kingdom born upside down. This is a kingdom where the broken are crowned."
(This makes me realize that I have to be ok with who I am.)

I highly recommend the album The Powerless Rise by As I Lay Dying. The song quoted above is called Upside Down Kingdom. Keep an open mind, and read the lyrics while you listen to it, otherwise your non-trained metal ears won't understand the singing.

Read This First, Hound Me Later

The reason I even started a blog was my good friend Spencer Hansen. He's been blogging off and on for years. Just recently I read some of his blogs for the first time. They reminded me why he cracks me up, but also made me jealous that he has been posting his feelings and views for so long, and I've been holding back for ages.

This morning I was thinking about the title of my blog, and why I chose it. The real reason is because some of my friends and family hound me about the fact that I listen to metal. I've heard it referred to as "devil music" on many occasions. I can see why it would seem that way to the Celine Dion and N'Sync fans out there. There is a lot of really aggressive, bad-themed, and horribly orchestrated "metal" out there. The lyrics are bad, the band members are party animals, and in my opinion, low-lifes. The bands that I choose to listen to are very musical and uplifting in my eyes (and ears).

For the record, I experimented with black metal and death metal. I don't like it. I tried to make myself like it because I wanted to be different. It just does not allow me to feel the spirit/holy ghost very easily. The metal that I listen to consists of the following:

0 Very musical, instrumental
0 Clean lyrics (almost 100%)
0 They can scream as much as they want, but not ALL the time
0 Artist cannot be an absolute loser

That pretty much sums it up. Before everyone starts to judge me and get on my case about my music, I hope they read this. If they still want to get on my case, be my guest. I am willing to tell them what they just read, as well as a few other things about my choice of music. I absolutely love metal. It makes me feel great. It empowers/inspires/uplifts/relaxes me.

If you ever need some suggestions for some great music (metal or not), you can always ask me. I am still one of the only few metal-heads I know that can sing almost all of the words to Les Miserables and The Phantom of the Opera.

P.S. As I Lay Dying was freakin' awesome on Saturday. I had a great time. Thanks Tyson.

Mormon Metal-head? Sounds stupid to me...

Firstly, I would like to welcome you to my blog.....I'm not sure how welcoming ALL of the subject matter will be, but nevertheless, thanks for taking time to support my views. I hope I entertain while simultaneously disappointing you :)

A mormon metal-head is something you will not find on every corner. Myself, along with Tyson Halvorsen and Brett Little, are part of what I'm sure is not an extremely large demographic. We are mormons. We listen to heavy metal. We enjoy life. Simple enough for me.

If I were a pie chart, the mormon pie piece would probably be about 1/4 of the pie. I will not go into detail on the other pie pieces at this time, but I will tell you that there is a lot of nonsense involved. "A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men." I have a very strong testimony of the truthfulness of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It has gotten me to this point in my life, which I am not complaining about. Some of the greatest and most important life lessons have been learned largely due to my beliefs and the blessings that are part of this great gospel.

Metal, metalcore, heavy metal, thrash metal, progressive metal (probably just words to you). They all mean something different to me. I live to listen to metal. I listen to lots of other music too. My favorite band remains Pink Floyd, but I seem to have a favorite in all of the different genres of muzak. TriViuM takes the cake when it comes to metal. They are so flippin' amazing, and at a very young age.

I will have the privilege of hearing one of my favorite metal bands this evening at The Great Saltair. Tim Lambesis and the rest of As I Lay Dying will rock my socks off as I throw down in the mosh pit. I am very excited for this show, however, there are a few things that are bumming me out:

1. I wanted to see August Burns Red last week more than I want to see As I Lay Dying
2. I spent the last 2 days learning all of the songs from the new album (only had 3 days to learn the new material) and THEN I did the smart thing and looked up the setlists from their recent shows. Not exactly full of new music, mostly old stuff. Now I'm studying lyrics for some of the old stuff that I haven't heard in a while
3. I smashed my pinky at work today and I'm pretty sure it will get jammed a lot at the concert :(

I have mostly been listening to Christian Metal this year. The language is much cleaner, the subject matter is religious and calls out the unfaithful or ignorant to stop being so vain. It is very powerful stuff to me, and helps my attitude every day. Heck, I've even taught lessons in church where I have used heavy metal lyrics that were spiritual to me as part of my lesson.

Only 113 days until BYU Football kicks off against Sarkisian's Washington Huskies!!! That's way too long.